Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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