Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
