i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
