you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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