i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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