Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
