I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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