Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Randomize
