i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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