i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also, beer. Big fan.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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