No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
