I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
