I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
