sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
