drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
