At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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