she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
