As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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