Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell