I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
