I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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