Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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