what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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