can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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