Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
