I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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