you have to choose: penises or morals?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
