my vag is so smooth its legendary
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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