Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
