she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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