This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
