You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
