wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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