I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
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you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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