I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize