I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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