Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have tasted many bathrooms
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
