i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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