Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
