She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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