I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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