She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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