my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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