Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
