Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
