He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
