Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
