remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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