We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
