hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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