This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
