if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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