Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
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But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
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I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week