At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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