If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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