i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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